I hid it so well, that no one realized I was struggling

বিজ্ঞাপন

For the first time in my life, I opened up to a friend. I told her the things I never spoke about. My past, the self harm, the trauma, the little girl in me who was still scared. I poured out everything I had kept hidden for so long. She looked at me and said, “ang galing mo magtago ng nararamdaman mo. ang tapang mo.” Her words were kind, but they made my eyes fill with tears. Because it was true. I hid it so well that no one ever realized I was struggling.

No one knew how many times I wished to disappear. No one knew the nights I begged God to take my pain away. I hid it all, because I didn’t want to be a burden. I kept quiet, even though God knew how often I broke down in silence when no one was watching. It was heavy to have a mind that whispered, “I want to share my pain,” but chose not to because I kept telling myself that everyone already had their own battles. So I showed up like everything was fine. I smiled. I laughed. I acted as though nothing was wrong, even when inside I was falling apart. Hiding became my habit.

I learned how to mask my cracks with smiles and small talk. People saw strength in me, but they didn’t see the nights I cried myself to sleep. They didn’t see the quiet breakdowns, the trembling hands, the heaviness I carried alone.

Sometimes, I wished someone could see through me without asking, to notice the silence behind my smile. I didn’t need pity, I just wanted someone to sit with me in the quiet, someone who would remind me that it was okay to not be okay.

I slowly began to realize that strength wasn’t only in surviving alone. It was also in letting someone in, in admitting that I couldn’t always carry everything by myself. Hiding kept me alive, but it never made me feel free.

I hid it so well that no one realized I was struggling. But maybe one day, I wouldn’t have to hide anymore. Maybe one day I would learn to carry my truth openly, one small light at a time.

Source: Medium/rye

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